Blog

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption’s Wendy’s Wonderful Kids program takes a collaborative approach to finding forever families for children lingering in foster care. Adoption recruiters develop a deep understanding of each child’s unique needs and situation to create a permanency plan that fits them best. However, that level of collaboration and understanding doesn’t stop at placement – bringing families together requires ongoing support, empathy and teamwork.  

Scott, an adoption recruiter with the Foundation’s Wendy’s Wonderful Kids program, from the Massachusetts Adoption Resources Exchange, emphasized the importance of “understanding what trauma is, understanding that intimacy is hard for kids – especially in home settings, and understanding the why.”  

He added that something as simple as eating meals at the dinner table may be unfamiliar and uncomfortable for a child who has never experienced mealtime that way. Learning to break down the ‘why’ behind certain behaviors allows families to take a step back and consider the context of a child processing an overwhelming amount of emotion. He shared that “breaking that ‘why’ down for a family is so important, because it’s not about them.”  

Scott suggests a give and take approach. Families can work together to create boundaries and a structure that works for everyone. For example, Scott shared that simply reframing “you have to eat at the table” to something like, “We don’t eat in our rooms here, but you can eat anywhere else in the house where you feel comfortable,” can make a big difference.  

Another challenge, which is seen in sibling groups lingering in foster care, is when one child takes on the parental role of caring for the others. This was the case for Jeff’s son, Jonathan, who was used to looking out for his little sister, Patty. “For me, after our older sister got separated from us, I had to deal with all of that by myself, and I didn’t want her [Patty] going through that,” Jonathan shared. Learning more about Jonathan’s ‘why’ helped Jeff understand Jonathan’s reactions to different situations as they continued to build their forever family. 

“He needed to be willing to become just the child again, because he hadn’t for about four years,” said John, the siblings’ Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiter. John continued to work with the family during this transition, noting that a child’s willingness to offload those parental responsibilities comes over time, with trust. Jeff has noticed relief in both of his children as Jonathan has learned to trust that he will take care of Patty’s needs, and that Jonathan doesn’t need to take on that role anymore. 

Jeff’s advice for any family preparing to adopt from foster care is to “do your homework.” He added that it’s important to “learn about how trauma impacts young minds and what is behind certain behaviors. So many parents who don’t understand that on a fundamental level will react harshly to these behaviors instead of finding the symptoms – every behavior has a reason.”  

Bringing a child into your family can be the most rewarding and joyful event of your life. Legal permanency can take the form of adoption, guardianship or family reunification when it is a safe option. However, your journey doesn’t end at finalization. Adoption can bring a unique set of challenges and questions. Our free post-adoption guide offers an overview of resources to help you and your family thrive … together.