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Em lived in and out of foster care from the time she was a toddler. She was abused in her biological mother’s home and her first adoptive home. So, when she was placed in foster care for the third time as a teenager, Em had her guard up.

“I promised myself I would never get adopted again … that I would never let anything hurt me like that again.”

Em is not alone. Many youth in foster care are initially resistant to permanency and hesitant to trust another adult.

Child welfare professionals should expect to hear “no” when they first talk with youth about the idea of permanency. But instead of halting efforts to find a family at that initial “no,” it’s important for professionals to assist youth in unpacking their fears in a way that respects their voice, privacy and dignity.

Through their work on aligning child welfare practice with adolescent brain development, the Annie E. Casey Foundation explains, “Young people who are in foster care have often experienced attachment disruptions, trauma and adversity. These early experiences profoundly affect the way [they] perceive relationships, permanence and trust.”

A child’s “no” should be treated as the beginning of the conversation about permanency, not the end.

Think about how you approach big decisions in your own life. Most of us rarely agree to a life-altering change without first considering all of our options. If a youth is asked if they want to be adopted and then is never asked again, it assumes that they fully understand what permanency means, which is often not the case. That initial resistance is a healthy response for someone who doesn’t have all the facts to make an informed decision.

Common Fears about Permanency

Through our Wendy’s Wonderful Kids^® program, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption supports the hiring and training of professionals, known as recruiters, who are dedicated to finding permanent families for the longest-waiting children in foster care. Permanency may take the form of adoption, guardianship or reunification with family of origin when it is a safe option.

Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiters use an evidence-based, child-focused model to find the right family for every child. An essential component of the model is building a trusting relationship with youth to help them unpack fears about permanency.

Below are a few of the most common fears that Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiters have reported as well as strategies to help youth work through these complex emotions on the path to permanency.

Being Unwanted
Many young people in foster care have moved among multiple placements with no one stepping up to provide them a permanent home, which leads to an overall sense of not feeling good enough. This can contribute to low self-esteem and concerns about how they may be viewed by others. And those feelings are reinforced the longer a child waits in the system.

It’s important to recognize that a child’s sense of being unwanted may linger even after a permanent family is identified and beyond. But you can help by nurturing relationships that make the youth feel valued and supported while encouraging the youth to focus on their strengths and positive attributes.

Rejecting Family of Origin
Regardless of why a child was placed in foster care, they may feel love and loss for their family of origin. So, considering permanency with another family can be seen as a form of rejection of that family of origin that still holds a significant role in the child’s life.

Child welfare professionals can alleviate that fear by working with the youth’s team to revisit the family of origin as a placement option — including relatives who previously could not take placement but may be in a position now to provide a safe, permanent home. If that is not an option, professionals may help the youth gain acceptance from their family of origin to move forward with a permanent placement, while exploring ways for the youth to maintain a safe connection to their family and community.

Fearing the Unknown
Fear of the unknown is something that we all experience in our lives. So, asking a child to be open to the idea of permanently becoming part of a family that has not yet been identified can be scary and overwhelming. Often, youth do not feel they can truly answer that question until they know to whom they are saying “yes.”

Child welfare professionals can help ease this fear by prioritizing the youth’s voice in permanency planning and empowering them to take an active role in decision-making about their future.

Hear from Regina, a Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiter, about how she helped one of the youth on her caseload overcome his hesitancy toward adoption, giving him hope for a brighter future.

Additionally, explore 7 Common Fears Children in Foster Care Have About Being Adopted for more strategies in working with youth resistant to permanency.

Help Make Permanency Possible for Every Child 

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption believes that permanency is possible and critically important for every child waiting in foster care. We are never too old to need the support and stability of a permanent family.

No matter your role on a child’s team, following are some actions to consider in supporting their journey to permanency.

• Assess frequently the youth’s understanding of permanency, using language that is developmentally appropriate and meaningful to them
• Ask youth who is important to them and who they turn to for support, and partner with the child’s team to revisit those adults as permanent placement options or resources in finding a permanent home
• Reflect on how you are recognizing and honoring the youth’s relationships, community and culture in the permanency process
• Order or refer youth to receive specialized recruitment services, like Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, even when youth express hesitancy to permanency
• Challenge efforts to halt the search for a permanent family or those that give the youth a case plan goal that keeps them in long-term foster care

After Em moved into Marissa’s home at age 14 as an emergency foster placement, she finally felt at ease. But she was still hesitant to trust that a family would welcome her … that she could be safe. So, when her Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiter, Macie, asked Em about the idea of adoption, she shut it down.

That didn’t stop Macie from continuing to search for a permanent family for Em. “I resented [Macie] at first,” says Em. “But we formed a respect and friendship.”

Slowly, with support from Macie and Marrisa, Em realized that adoption was what she wanted.

“One of the things that was great about Em too was she was sitting alongside me doing the work with me,” shared Macie. “She knew what her options were. And ultimately, in the end, with enough time and information and trust, she was really able to make the decision that was best for her.”

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